The truth about goggles

As I promised, here's the part about why wearing swim goggles is unnatural at best.
My top five reasons:
1. Goggles make your eyeballs feel like they are being sucked out of your head.
2. The nice orange tint on my lenses brings new meaning to "red eye."
3. You have to lick - aka slather with your own saliva - goggles to keep them from fogging.
4. Post-swim goggle eye ring isn't sexy.
5. They don't match my outfit.